Why mutants shouldn’t breed

Let’s forget for a moment the whole ‘No more mutants’ thing, as well as the Trask mission to curb mutant breeding.  Let’s also forget the ‘changing the dynamic of the story’ and ‘damaging the characters’ bit that introducing pregnancy/birth often does.

With all that gone, I’m going to use nothing more than the lessons of history to prove that mutants…and even those allied to mutants…just shouldn’t be breeding.  It just shouldn’t happen.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s ask…

Professor X
Before Charles Xavier met and fell in love with Moira MacTaggert, he worked in a middle eastern hospital alongside he who would go on to be Magneto…under the rather awkward pseudonym of ‘Magnus’.  There he met a headcase patient named Gabrielle Haller whom he helped back to sanity.  In thanks for his efforts, she did what any other headcase would do…bang him.  The two had more lust than love, and Xavier departed unaware that he had left Gabrielle pregnant with the son who would eventually go on to become Legion, multiple-personalitied mutant psychopath who eventually created the Age of Apocalypse.  But that’s not to say it was better for…

Moira MacTaggert
Like any woman from comics in the late Silver Age would do, Moira left Charles Xavier after he was drafted into military service and settled down with a downright lout of a man in Joe MacTaggert.  Though it was not plainly stated, it was implied that he had impregnated her through force, and she kept her son Kevin from him.  Kevin developed a mutant ability that burned out his own body, creating Proteus, who went on to kill a whole bunch of people before the X-Men put him down.

See?  And those were the good guys.  We’ll look at some other offsprings after jump.

Magneto
Originally, Magneto and his wife Magda had a daughter.  Unfortunately, the neighbors didn’t like the idea of mutants, so they burned Mag’s house down and prevented him from saving his daughter.  Enraged, he slaughtered the people with his powers, sending Magda fleeing from him in terror.  Unbeknownst to Magneto, Magda was pregnant with twins who eventually became Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch.  You might know them as the twins who caused this whole ‘No more mutants’ problem in the first place.  Magneto’s offspring also wreck havoc on continuity, as Polaris was revealed to NOT be Magneto’s daughter (it was a plot hatched by a Magneto-robot double – don’t ask, please) and that stood for decades until finally Polaris mixed up a test tube that told her – BAM – she was Magneto’s daughter!  How about that?  She’s crazy too, by the way.

Ms. Marvel
An often forgotten tidbit is that Carol Danvers stood as a supporting cast member of the X-Men for a while after being attacked by Rogue.  But before that, she actually had a kid.  Did you know that?  She was seduced by a demon from Limbo named Marcus who did the nasty and managed to impregnate her with himself.  She carried him full term in about a week and then gave birth to a baby who quickly grew into adulthood.  How creepy is that?  The two decided to go to Limbo and the Avengers thought that the whole thing was completely cool.  Marcus was quickly killed off and Carol didn’t return to the Avengers for some time.

The Summers Family
Follow me here.  Christopher and Kate Summers had two sons – Scott and Alex (Cyclops and Havok) – before they were kidnapped by the Shi’ar.  The mad emperor D’Ken murdered Kate, but found that she had been pregnant with a third son who was rapidly matured (SCIENCE!) and ended up on Earth.  Named Gabriel, he became Vulcan, a secret X-Man.  Eventually, Vulcan went crazy, killed Banshee and Corsair, became Emperor of the Shi’ar and eventually died.

Scott had a thing for redheads.  He fell in love with Jean Grey, but she died, so he married a clone of her named Madelyne Pryor and had a kid named Nathan.  But unfortunately, Nathan got a techno-organic virus and had to be sent into the future, only to come back as Cable.  But in an alternate future, Scott and Jean did stick together and had a daughter named Rachel.  She came back in time and stuck around for a while before getting tossed into the future, then killed, then not killed, then brought back to the present.  But then in another alternate timeline, Mr. Sinister took genetic material from Scott and Jean and created Nate Grey, known as X-Man, who managed to make it to the Marvel U for a while before being killed, then not killed.

But Cable himself sort of, kind of had a son named Tyler who was tainted by Apocalypse into becoming Genesis until Wolverine went and hacked him to bits.  Now Cable is responsible for Hope who may or may not be a resurrected Jean Grey.  Having fun?

Multiple Man
You would think that being able to create duplicates of yourself would be neat, even when each one starts displaying an aspect of your personality.  Trouble may arise when, say, your libido manifests while you’re sleeping and goes off to bang a couple of your teammates.  Such was the problem with Jamie Madrox, who couldn’t remember if it was him or a duplicate that impregnated his teammate Siryn.  She gave birth to a baby boy, named Sean after her father, but as Madrox first held his son, he immediately re-absorbed him into himself.  It turns out that it had been a duplicate who had knocked her up, and the baby of a duplicate was basically just another duplicate.  Neither Siryn nor Madrox have been the same since.

Wolverine
Let’s see – do we go with adopted daughter, real son, or clone?  Wolverine’s been around more than a few times, so I’m sure he’s got more love childs than just Daken, but I’m sure he hopes none of them turn up.  Daken is a psychopath who inherited his father’s rage and claws and goes out of his way to be a douche bag just because.  X-23 is a clone of Wolverine, only as a teenage girl (creepy), who has trouble connecting emotionally and has two claws on each hand as well as one in her foot.  All of the family enjoys going berzerk and carving people up.  You probably should skip the reunion.

And the rest
Of course, there are some good examples – Nightcrawler, son of Mystique, turned out pretty well, as did Siryn, daughter of Banshee.  But the balance between good and psychopathic-murderers is way off.  Take my advice, ye children of the atom: do the world a favor and keep your pants on.

Advertisements

One comment

  1. You forgot Nocturne, who is the alternate reality daughter of Nightcrawler and Scarlet Witch. And then there’s Sabertooth and Mystique’s son who turned out to be a huge prick towards mutants. Mastermind has 2 pretty psychotic daughters as well. This is kinda fun.

    You should check out the X-men relationship chart at http://www.uncannyxmen.net.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s