Stan Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger team up for heroics…with predictable results

Stan Lee and Arnold Schwarzenegger have something in common.  If you guessed “They are both former big names in their field that have since moved on past their primes” you are correct.  But there’s another thing that you might not know.  Stan the Man and Ahnold are teaming up to produce a comic and cartoon on the former California Governor called…wait for it…the Governator.

Topless Robot has the article, linking to an Entertainment Weekly page (here) which talk about the annoucment and promote this week’s issue with more details.  The thing is this week’s issue hits stands on Friday, which has me suspecting that this is nothing more than an April Fool’s joke.

But of course, Stan Lee did put his name on a character named “Striperella” as well as the Spider-Man newspaper strip – a comic so bad that it practically begs fans to rip it from their papers.  So let’s pretend that this is a legit deal and take a look at some of EW’s preview images.  They’ll be after the jump.

If this is an actual story and not just a gag for the season (we can only hope) then I’m not aware of any plot details – so I’ll just make them up and assume they’re right.  By his codename, I’d guess the cartoon Arnold (who seems to be about 35 years younger than the actual Arnold) doubles as both a governor and the Governator.  Arnold uses various “G-Suits” (which I suppose stand for Governator Suits) for different situations, including space, underwater, and smooth with the ladies.  They seem to have been designed by the people that brought you Halo, rather than being a rip-off.

Thankfully, the suit holds many of the standard “future armor” standards like “pulsing eyes” and “hidden missles/energy blade/shuriken devices” that any legislative hero might need.

But what does such a main event super-type get around in?  I’m glad you asked.  The Governator has not one, but TWO vehicles with a staggering FIVE seperate types of transportation!

The G-Car is not simply a vehicle for roadway travel.  It also converts into a helicopter for air travel, a speedboat for sea travel, and even a submarine for slower, less convenient sea travel.  I’ve never thought to put rockets on a helicopter for greater speed before, but it seems like a bad idea.

Those four not good enough for you?  Well, the Governator also has the G-Cycle!

You might look at this and call it a “T-Cycle” with the T standing for TRON.  It’s am obvious “homage” to the light cycle, or maybe even the Bat cycle from The Dark Night just with lightning balls in the wheels.  I mean look at that!  It’s literally a picture of a lightning ball.

But along with the vehicles, the Governator also has some clever gadgets up his sleeve.  For instance:

It’s an ingenious device that comes in a stick form (unless held in the hand, when it apparently becomes a cube) that when chewed, blown into a bubble and popped on the face, becomes an incredible mask of someone else’s face.  But there are a couple issues here.  One, blowing a bubble as big as your head is not always the easiest of tasks and certainly not in a high-demand situation when a mask might be needed.  Second, the face while obviously different from the Governator’s normal look, obvious has a big wad of pink gum all over it.  When the gum is pulled off, does the mask go too?  Does it easily come out of the hair or will Arnold have to spend time working it out each time?

But there’s also this more-practical gem:

These are various “flavors” of so-called Speak Spray, which I assume give the ability to speak a different language when sprayed into the mouth.  I wish they would of had this for multiple semesters of Spanish throughout my scholastic career.  For tests I would use the spray, then whisper the word to myself and write down what I said.  It would have been awesome.

But what is any good super hero without their very own lair?  Batman has the Batcave, Superman has the Fortress of Solitude, the X-Men have the X-Mansion.  So of course the Governator has one too!  There hasn’t been much released on this hideout (which, going with the naming formula, I have to assume is called the G-Spot) beyond the hidden entrance and the super-computer.

I don’t know what’s worse.  That Arnold hides the secret entrance behind a tiny, unlabelled dumbbell right next to the door or that of all the Terminator posters he could hang on the wall, he went with Rise of the Machines.  I do love that the entrance to his lair has flooring that changes when enters (tiles before, lighted pathways after) as well as mirrored walls.

Hey, Batman called.  He wants his computer back.

But what would a governor/super hero be without a plucky young supporting crew to identify with America’s youth?  Not a very good one, that’s what.

First up is “Leopold Schatzi”, who is identified as Arnold’s “body double”.  I take it that means that he’s the guy that fills in as governor when Arnold is off fighting crime and whatnot.  I’m not sure on the exact rules of the job, but I’m pretty certain this would constitute fraud.  I’m sure the voters would be pissed to find out some kid was running the state for the actual man they elected.

Next is “Zeke Muckerburg” who I’m sure is not supposed to be a play on “Mark Zuckerburg”, founder of Facebook.  Just a coincidence.  By the look of his greasy hair, smug expression, dilapidated furniture and bag of Cheetos staining the apholstry, I’d say this kid is “7|-|3 b357 p0551BL3 (4|\|D1D473 70 |-|3LP 0U7 7|-|3 90\/3R|\|470R 1|\| 4LL |-|15 745|<5.”  Whatever that means.

The next person in the group is “Max Kuo”, listed as “makeup and design”.  Which means he’s probably the gay one.  The ridiculously over the top gay one.  This one gets an ‘F’ for FABULOUS!  Max also gets the disctinction of knocking out two PC standards in one shot – gay and foreign.

And lastly we have the ironically adorable master mechanic “Angel Flame”.  No, I’m serious.  That’s her name.  Angel Flame.  The adorable mechanic has been used so much that by this point it’s a cliche (see Chip ‘n Dale’s Rescue Rangers‘ Gadget, Firefly‘s Kaylee or Danger Girl‘s JC), so she fits in perfectly in a Stan Lee creation.  She has everything a good mechanic needs to get the hormone-fueled fanbase going – overalls held by a lone strap, an arm tattoo and a neck collar.  Oh yeah, and boobs.  Don’t forget boobs.

And there you have it.  If this sees the light of day it will probably be a ridiculously dull, ridiculously cheesy bit that runs through the motions of cliche superhero/spy missions with no story progression each week.  Or in other words, just like any other Stan Lee projects of the last decade.  This is far too stupid to not be an April Fool’s joke on the part of Entertainment Weekly, so I’m going to go ahead and say that it is one.  If this is true, however, both Arnold and Stan Lee need to take a look back and see what they’re doing before this goes any farther.

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