Heroes Reborn Avengers by the numbers

Okay, so last time I said I was going to taunt a Rob Liefeld Heroes Reborn drawing but got distracted by the Vision.  It was a sight gag and we all had fun with it.  But then I decided I actually wanted to taunt a Rob Liefeld Heroes Reborn drawing.  So here we go.  Follow the numbers, kids.

Before we begin, I’m going to go ahead and say that I am not familiar with the Heroes Reborn Avengers, nor am I going to look up who’s who.  All of this is what I’m assuming based on the picture provided.

1. Captain America

  • Oh, the eagle.  How did anyone ever think that someone as controversial as Rob Liefeld could possibly get away with replacing the A on Cap’s head with the Wonder Woman eagle?
  • Cap’s shield seems to be either deflecting bullets while the happy-fun-pose is going on or is so ridiculously shiny that it gleams from four separate light sources.
  • Cap’s shield is not centered properly.  This might be an alternate universe thing.  After all, the whole deal was created by Franklin Richards (DAMN IT! I said I didn’t know anything about Heroes Reborn!) so perhaps it’s an inability to color in the lines deal making Cap’s star all off-center and oblong.

2. Thor

  • I don’t care if you are the Odinson, you need to wear matching wrist wraps.  One seems to be a three stripe red/white number, while the other seems to be two red straps with skin in between.
  • I am impressed by the remarkably detailed feathered winglets on Thor’s helmet.  Did he glue feathers to the side of his skull?  How do they stick there?
  • I am concerned about his arms.  I’m pretty familiar with human arms – I’ve had two of them for as long as I can remember – and I’m pretty sure they cannot develop/bend/stay in that position.
  • Let’s talk about the one-sies he’s got under his dangle hang-down.  I admire a man who has the confidence to wear pants with the booties attached, really I do, but if you’re going to have the decorative circle balls on them, try to match both legs.  You put seven on the left leg but only five on the right.
  • And the giant dangle hang-down?  Come on.
  • Oh, mighty Mjolnir.  You seem to be fractured with deep cracks – what, are you about to shatter?  And that handle is not at all going into the center of the hammer.  What, did you tape it to the back of the hammer and hope it keeps together?

3. Tigra

  • Why is Feral from X-Force a member of the Avengers?
  • Seriously, there’s nothing else to be said about this one.  That’s Feral from X-Force.

4. Hawkeye

  • Oh, god.  What did he do his mask?  I get the H thing may not have been the best idea, but why cover his entire face?  Can he see?  Can he speak?
  • Is he holding a bow in his hand?  Where’s its string?  It looks like a wobbly rod.
  • Age of Apocalypse Sabretooth called.  He wants his costume back.
  • Good job hiding his foot behind Cap’s leg, there.
  • I see his quiver of arrows there, but what’s poking out on the other shoulder?  Is that a sword?  Why does Hawkeye need a sword?

5. Scarlet Witch

  • I’m going to try to look away from the very strangely developed legs.  Fortunately, one of her feet is conveniently blocked from sight.
  • Wanda totally has Gambit hair.  I suppose it’s a mid ’90s thing with the head gear poofy hair thing with the long pony tail.  Ugh.
  • Nice suspender boobs.  Being that there’s no mark beneath them, I have no idea how her chest actually looks.  Not human, I would suppose.
  • How long is Wanda’s neck?  Jeez!
  • I certainly enjoy the cape that manages to pull itself up all on its own.  That is just awesome.
  • And then there’s the skirt.  Oh, the skirt.

6. Swordsman

  • The Swordsman?  Really?
  • His pull-over jacket thingy seems to be directly connected to his belt.  The clip and pouches are just sort of there.
  • His pull-over jacket seems to be both baggy and skin-tight.  It’s a marvel of ’90s fashion.
  • What is up with the Moe Howard haircut?
  • He seems to have a strap running from under his collar to under his belt.  What is it holding?  Perhaps the three swords he seems to have taped to his back, along with the two he’s holding in his hands.  One strap, five holsters.  That’s a swordsman.
  • Left leg is optional.

7. Vision

  • Fine.  I’m going to say it.  His penis is gigantic.
  • Where are his eyes?
  • Vision is an android who seems to be painted with a banana hammock motif.
  • Nice cape.  How do you get it to roll and fold like that underneath Thor?

Okay.  I’m done.  Comments on these are welcome.  We will add to them.

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2 comments

  1. I would defend Liefeld, but I’m still annoyed about his uproar about Shatterstar kissing Rictor. What a ‘phobe.

    For some reason I’m getting a Harley Quinn vibe from the Scarlet Witch here.

    Like

  2. You’d think Scarlet Witch would have spent some time creating some muscle definition in her legs, like everyone else. But really, does she even need to work out? Couldn’t she just use her reality shifting powers and poof, be as fit as everyone else?

    Like

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