THIS WEEK IN SPIDER-MAN – Spider-Man vs. Deadpool #31: I’ve Found Punching Always Helps in These Sitations

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Spider-Man vs. Deadpool #31 was written by Robbie Thompson with art by Matt Horak, Elmo Bondoc, Flaviano, Brian Reber, Joe Sabino, and Dave Johnson.

So…Spider-Man vs. Deadpool. Deadpool vs. Spider-Man. There’s…certainly…some things…happening…here.

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For the last few issues, we’ve jumped back and forth between a story where the Chameleon has stolen an army of old S.H.I.E.L.D. life model decoys and a green doodad that allows him to turn them into exact copies of pretty much any super hero or villain you could think of complete with a fully functioning version of that person’s powers   and a story set far in the future where Old Man Spidey and Old Man Deadpool escape from a nursing home and go out searching for a clone of Deadpool that caused them trouble many years ago. If you haven’t read the books and you’re reading this review and you’re thinking “What the actual hell?”, don’t fret because I’ve read the damn things and I’m still having that thought.

There’s a few things in both of these stories that defy any sort of rational explanation. First up, in the flash forward stories why has Deadpool  (with his super crazy powerful healing factor) aged as much as Peter Parker and how in the hell can said Peter Parker get his goddamn wheelchair to stick to walls?

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And on the current side of the story, if S.H.I.E.L.D. had the technology to produce fully functional copies of anybody they wanted to, why in the hell would they be sitting on this technology? If they can program a robot to teleport just like Nightcrawler, why can every S.H.I.E.L.D. teleport?

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They’ve obviously had this tech for a while now, because this story opens up with a flashback to Nick Fury & Dum Dum Duggan setting up the life model decoy program. Correct me if I’m wrong, but why has this never come up before? Oh, we need an unstoppable agent? Let’s just program in a healing factor. We have a a problem with metal? Let’s me just set this baby to “MAGNETO” and problem solved!

Anyway, let’s get away from the implications of the story they’re telling and beck to the story they’re telling. Chameleon is trying to sell off his army of LMDs to the highest bidders only for Spidey & Deadpool to get involved. He things he’s lured them into a trap and blowed them up real good, but what he doesn’t know is that his robot soldiers are setting him from for a turn.

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Spidey, Silk, and Husk and Mockingbird along with Deadpool & his team have managed to survive the explosion Chameleon caught them in thanks to Branch, a weird tendrily plant thing that was attached to a life model decoy of former S.H.I.E.L.D. Clay Quartermain. He manages to create protective cocoon around everybody and consume the fire so that they can get out, but he dies in the process. Branch was around when I started reading this book and not much was ever explained about him. I tried to Google him, but it didn’t turn up much information.

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Alas, poor Branch. I knew him…not really at all. 

In light of all this, everybody decides to put aside their differences to bring Chameleon down. They trace the signal controlling all of the LMDs to his hideout (which is incredibly stupid because that’s what nearly got them all blown up last issue) and find the Chameleon beaten bloody and wrapped up in chains.

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Oh, did I mention that Deadpools team features two evolved sharks named Bruce & Deborah? Because it totally does. Anyway, it seems that Chameleon’s LMD army has already turned on him and are making preparations to bring back someone they call “The Master”, and that doesn’t sound ominous at all. Shortly after discovering Chameleon, Spidey & the gang get attacked by an army of LMDs.

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While this is going, we get another flashback to the beginnings of the LMD program and find out that the masterminds behind it are Peter’s parents, Richard & Mary Parker. Honestly, that’s a whole other can of worms that I really don’t feel like getting into right now.

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